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Did you hear? Did you hear? It's been a year and the vagina terrorist gothickana has not yet been caught!

In fact, her terrorist organization, nicknamed The Snatch by government officials, has been growing covertly since our last report!

My god, when will the madness end? Someone needs to end this pussy regime before it's too late! exochika and eriko_sato have likely already converted to the cause, it's up to us and our power of will to keep other such powerful pussies as acidpopstar, ashitanokimi and ayakamiki are not turned!

And what of risateii and sakitan? WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

Even worse, it is believed that ai_kago was suspended from Hello!Project for acts of vagina terrorism! Thank goodness she was discovered before a whole army of sweet, virginal girls were turned into monsters!

The Snatch had fingers in Hello!Project? This time they've gone too far! What could they possibly hope to achieve?

The only thing vaginas can achieve in JRRP, B-Ko. They're going to make the gay men in JRRP very... very... uncomfortable. Possibly by looking at them for long periods of time.

...Wait, that's all?

What did you expect? It's not like they can ever be taken seriously. No one in JRRP takes The Snatch seriously. They're not even a threat.

Then why are we reporting?

Because my only other article of news was some boring old man drama at the Sakura Matsuri party, and dissonantstring leaving, probably to enter rehab.

Rehab? I didn't realize pretentiousness was an addiction.

Pretentiousness kills.

No wonder my heart is dead.

...

A-Ko?

Yes?

Are we funny yet?

No.

Relevant?

No.

Have a nice day, everyone. This is the Shadow Girls signing out, begging you, pleading you, to do something interesting for once. Stop settling down and being happy, you're boring us all to tears.
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Did you hear? Did you hear? The holiday season is upon us!

Hey there all you Shintoists, Merry Fucking Christmas!

Unfortunately, we've been far too busy stalking TomKat--

And crashing their wedding! Tom sure went all out for Katie, controlling even her nail polish color! Now if that's not a sign of a heterosexual soulmate, I am just not sure what is!

It's not even December yet, but teach this little carol to your friends and loved ones!

On the first day of Christmas JRRP brought to me,
Some drama for you and for me!

On the second day of Christmas JRRP brought to me,
Two shadow girls,
And some drama for you and for me!

On the third day of Christmas JRRP brought to me,
Three boy bands,
Two shadow girls,
And some drama for you and for me!

On the fourth day of Christmas JRRP brought to me,
Four calling outs,
Three boy bands,
Two shadow girls,
And some drama for you and for me!

On the fifth day of Christmas JRRP brought to me,
Five frozen threads!
Four calling outs,
Three boy bands,
Two shadow girls,
And some drama for you and for me!

On the sixth day of Christmas JRRP brought to me,
Six cheaters lying,
Five frozen threads!
Four calling outs,
Three boy bands,
Two shadow girls,
And some drama for you and for me!

On the seventh day of Christmas JRRP brought to me,
Seven gays a-marrying,
Six cheaters lying,
Five frozen threads!
Four calling outs,
Three boy bands,
Two shadow girls,
And some drama for you and for me!

On the eighth day of Christmas JRRP brought to me,
Eight bands foreign touring,
Seven gays a-marrying,
Six cheaters lying,
Five frozen threads!
Four calling outs,
Three boy bands,
Two shadow girls,
And some drama for you and for me!

On the ninth day of Christmas JRRP brought to me,
Nine idols dancing,
Eight bands foreign touring,
Seven gays a-marrying,
Six cheaters lying,
Five frozen threads!
Four calling outs,
Three boy bands,
Two shadow girls,
And some drama for you and for me!

On the tenth day of Christmas JRRP brought to me,
Ten old men moaning,
Nine idols dancing,
Eight bands foreign touring,
Seven gays a-marrying,
Six cheaters lying,
Five frozen threads!
Four calling outs,
Three boy bands,
Two shadow girls,
And some drama for you and for me!

On the eleventh day of Christmas JRRP brought to me,
Eleven tarts a-blowing,
Ten old men moaning,
Nine idols dancing,
Eight bands foreign touring,
Seven gays a-marrying,
Six cheaters lying,
Five frozen threads!
Four calling outs,
Three boy bands,
Two shadow girls,
And some drama for you and for me!

On the twelfth day of Christmas JRRP brought to me,
Twelve drummers bumming,
Eleven tarts a-blowing,
Ten old men moaning,
Nine idols dancing,
Eight bands foreign touring,
Seven gays a-marrying,
Six cheaters lying,
Five frozen threads!
Four calling outs,
Three boy bands,
Two shadow girls,
And some drama for you and for me!


That was just amazing. I've been touched in places I've never been touched before.

You sure it wasn't Gackt that was touching you?

Gasp! Maybe he got my letters! Now I won't be forced to sue him after all!

Have a safe and a somewhat cheerful generic holiday season, members of JRRP. For those of you that have New Year's parties or whatever else, I offer you this advice: Pace out your drinking. It's far better to have everything be lovely and blurry for an extended period of time rather than one short black out. Also, be sure to have lots of drunken antics in the view of as many people as possible. We'll see you next year, or whenever you actually do something worth reporting on.

Or when we think of a new carol! Bye bye!
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Psst.

Gackt has sex with his dears for money.

Pass it on.

* * *
XX: Ano! Ano! Did you see what I saw today?!

XY: Not sure Kono! What did you see today?

XX: Well, I was just passing through the mill to look at all the things there were to talk about, when I spied this little red icon of something strange dancing! At first, I thought it was a cartoon character that furaipain was fond of, but on closer inspection, lo and behold, it was A CLOWN. CLOWNS are invading the Japanese Music scene! Run for your lives!!

XY: Oh now! How will we save all the babies everyone seems to be having? I thought we were safe from such things here in Japan! Do you think furaipain is a distant cousin of the ICP?

XX: Maybe! But speaking of men in clown suits, did you see? kozi and aoitentation recieved a birthday bitchslapping from our lovely gackt_camui! Do you have the scoop, Ano?

XY: Apparently the long time friends are no longer speaking, Kono! Or so says kozi, but I think he must have been on LSD because I'm SURE that aoitentation hasn't said a word in years! What sort of drugs are in this ex-Malice boys head is beyond me, but maybe they can hook _sugizo because after he see's the other post in jrrp_tabloids he's going to need the valium so he doesn't blow something up and break his hippie ways!

XX: Oh the t-shirt ordering will be nothing!! Did you listen to the in-progress demo that _sugizo and hiroakihayama put out? Hurricane? Since when was it trendy to release music before it was done? Poor Tourbillion! They'd been doing so well so far! What will stringdthoughts and ryuichikwmr think when the song composed by their all star pianist sells all of ten copies?! I don't sense a chart topper, Ano!

XY: I think you're right Kono! But _sugizo hasn't been a sucess in years now, has he? Don't you remember this winters fiasco with the FLARE? But then, that might have been because he was too busy smoking pot and fucking yunaflare to put any effort into it! At least now yunaflare has practice though, because he'll probably need to be whored out to pay for that monsterous house which the 'live in'. You'd pay good money for that wouldn't you, Kono?

XX: Oh me oh my, you're full of assumptions, Ano, you vicious minx! I'd rather pay to see video footage of new couple acchan and melancholypower!! Didn't you hear? She sucked the amazing acchan into her web of MPD and reality television! Seeing those two together would be a riot, are you kidding me?!

XY: But but but! Kono! What on earth would this_isnot_imai do if that happened? You'd give the poor old man a heart attack! God knows that he and ki_yo_shi don't have much longer left on this earth! Why else do you think they formed LUCY? Speaking of dissapearances, I bet you fae_kyou and sayonararain wont be arround much longer, you know why Kono?

XX: I'm not sure, Ano, but I'm sure you're going to tell me!

XY: Because sanbika did it first! Don't you know that they do everything they can to be like Kiyoharu? What ever will we do, yet another geriatric rocker short?!

XX: I don't know how I'll live! The old ones and the Koreans always make the biggest waves, don't they? But somehow, we'll get on without them, I'm sure! I think that's all the time we have this time Ano!

XY: That's right Kono! Catch you on the flip side!

XX: This and That! Right on out!
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JRRP: Telling Sugizo to Mind His Own Business Since 2004!

NOW AVAILABLE IN SIZE XXXXS AND XXXXL!!!
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Did you hear? Did you hear? It's summer in the JRRP-universe! And it's a cruel, cruel summer leaving us here on our own.

And by "leaving us here on our own" we mean "Nobody we actually care about has left."

Summer. The season of thongs and new songs, of foreign tours and fishing lures. Of going to the Bahamas and--

Stirring up dramas!

B-Ko! You ruined my poetical interlude!

Trust me, you didn't need my help with that.

To usher in the summer season, Sugizo threw a party with a bunch of other people, but not before causing a bit of a stir, which goes to show the man can't sneeze without causing drama.

We suspect that's how he likes it.

The party, by all reports, was disappointingly drama-free, aside from some embarrassing admissions of love and sand stuffed down the pants of certain parties.

Speaking of embarrassment, we'd like to take this moment to make a private announcement to one K-umlaut o-zi. You know what JRRP needs? It's not some strangle-voiced vocalist from bands nobody but retarded children and hipsters like. It's for you to shut the hell up.

It may sound harsh, but we feel some one had to say it.

Besides, what are you going to do about it? Threaten us with poor spelling?

While we're on the subject of embarrassment, we want to make another little anouncement about body art. Tattoos and such are not necessarily a bad thing. Even if it labels you immediately as a gangster, rockstar or wannabe, sometimes it looks pretty cool.

Other times it looks really ridiculous. Ladies and those who pretend to be gentlemen, remember that a lower back tattoo is basically a glorified coaster for the guy who's going to be reaming you from behind later on tonight. Nothing says "Fuck me like the mindless sheep I am" like a lower back tattoo. And let's not get started on piercings.

In other news, DRAGONFLIES ARE PRETTY.

So are fairies, and yet it seems when you get too many of them together, it just makes a big old mess. The JRRP universe testifies to this over and over again.

But we want to thank you just the same--

--If it weren't for you, we'd be out of a job!

Say bye-bye, B-Ko!

Bye-bye B-Ko!

Have a safe and fabulous summer, and be sure to tell us all about it!
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Happy birthday, JRRP! You're another year older. And what a year it has been!

It's been a year of... um... well, what happened this year? Aside from the rise and retreat of the Germexican army?

I really have no idea, B-Ko. I suppose we could go through the archives and find out.

All I'm finding out is that JRRP sure has a high turnover rate!

Also, a lot of people posted every day! They actually gave a damn about things.

Now, A-Ko, don't exaggerate, I'm sure that nobody actually gave a damn.

Anyway, we wish you a happy birthday, and hope you will continue to entertain us for years to come with petty scandals, cheap drama and bad sex!

Speaking of bad sex, have you seen deathtopia's userinfo?

No, why?

He's got a picture of black_spangle on it, calling him his soulmate.

It's nice to know that no matter how old, established or famous you are, that a boy with a scarf on his nose can turn you into a middle school girl with a myspace.

Speaking younger, less-talented people who are involved with senile Jrock legends, it looks like famous JRRP Adversary fishy_business is back and harassing people!

Now if only pureadonis would come back. Then we might actually have some fun things to report on.

A-Ko, be fair. humandoll lends himself to um, a whole new type of humor!

What kind of humor would that be?

The kind that absolutely no one can detect.

I want to see those two fight to the death. That would be a story.

Maybe next year, A-Ko. Maybe next year.
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Did you hear? Did you hear? gothickana is a terrorist!

Oh no! Was she caught baking adorable-yet-disturbing cookies for Osama Bin Laden?

It's worse than that! She's a vagina terrorist!

A vagina terrorist? That sounds scary!

She's clearly part of an extremist heterosexual group sent to infiltrate JRRP.

Gasp! Why would anyone do such a thing?

The vagina terrorists hate the freedom of JRRP. They just plain hate everything JRRP stands for.

So they hate... J Rock Role Play?

What?

That's what JRRP stands for.

No. I'm talking about the ideals of JRRP, the freedom to completely disregard reality or statistics and fuck your fellow man! The idea of two men doing it sweaty and grunting and unlubricated makes them want to throw up!

Ugh. It makes me want to throw up too.

TERRORIST!

Wait, wait. Why do you think it's gothickana? She's not exactly a prominent member of JRRP. If there was some one who was going to influence a lot of men in JRRP, there are other women who would probably be more likely, like _meisai or mighty_maki. Even those ladies in bands nobody knows about, like fighout or i_dyna seem more likely. Or what about that shakuyaku person? If you want to talk about a vagina terrorist, she's married to a former member of one of the biggest acts in Japan! And is having an ugly little Jrock baby to boot! And how could you even discount jpoproleplay?

That's exactly what I'd expect a terrorist to say. Trying to defend your leader!

My leader? Have you seen her? She dresses in lace and carries a panda!

That panda is a political prisoner!

You're crazy.

Crazy like a fox!

What?

Anyway, thank you for giving me a list of more potential vagina terrorists. We're also looking to crack down on Hello! Project as a possible training ground for vagina terrorists.

What exactly does a vagina terrorist do, anyway?

They seduce men that would otherwise be gay, but what that man doesn't know is that their vagina is rigged! Hit the right spot and BOOM!

Okay, if that's the case, how come there haven't been any fatalities?

That's the terrible flaw in the vagina terrorists' plan! They didn't count on their victims being unable to trip the trigger!

...All of this for a clitoris joke? Are you fucking serious?

It's not a joke. This is a matter of life or death.

So you're not just putting all of this on because it's April Fool's Day?

Absolutely not. Don't you realize I make these announcements for the good of the public?

...No.

LISTEN UP, JRRP. NO ONE WITH A VAGINA CAN BE TRUSTED. FROM NOW ON, THE FEW OF YOU LEFT WHO AREN'T FUDGEPACKING SHOULD DO SO FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY. ALSO, DUCT TAPE ON YOUR WINDOWS TO PROTECT YOU FROM POSSIBLE ESTROGEN ATTACKS.

I REPEAT, NO ONE WITH A VAGINA CAN BE TRUSTED. EVEN US.

...Especially not us.
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Yo, yo, yo Jay-ar-ar-pee!

A-Ko and B-Ko in the heezey fo' sheezey!

Did'ja miss us, dawgs? We took a vacation in Martha Stewart's snatch and got lost for weeks! It was like Operation Desert Storm up in there! Then we get back and find JRRP has gone all gangsta an' shit.

It's Korea VS Japan like West-side VS East-side! One of these days some one's going to get ahold of a gun and pop a cap in some one else's ass!

And we mean that in a way that isn't alluding to the latent homosexuality of the community, for once!

Or do we? There's something about homophobic rappers, unaware of the graphic nature of phallic symbols, tragically ironic, sucking off each other's caps and pistols.

When they're men, real men, not the man who went to two colleges, groveling over meal plans?

Speaking of groveling, did you hear that killer_eve slapped the ever living shit out of horizons_rise at a party? Talk about a true bitch slap!

Sony is going to make sun-krad cry like Ned Beatty in Deliverance if they find out. I am not sure if their lawyers are incarnations of Satan himself or merely employed by Satan, but any way, it will not be pretty.

There's no problem that can't be solved with a little sodomy. Still, I propose a different scenario for all of this to go down. A courtroom just isn't conducive to the kind of drama we've come to love and expect from JRRP.

So what's your alternative?

A grudge match, WWF style. Everyone could have capes and costumes and hit people over the head with chairs. Just think of the promos! horizons_rise VS killer_eve: Battle of the Androgynous Bitches! Make up will be smeared! Faces will be clawed! Hair will be torn!

We could even pit entire communities after one another! jrockroleplay and jpoproleplay VS koreanmusicrp! A battle thousands of years in the making! Who will win, the suit-wearing world power who denies its gangsta upbringing or the scrappy, rhyme-spitting underdog?

We'd have to be careful about that! No matter who won, the casualties would be too great, and then who would we report on? I think it's better to stick to old standards... Like acchan VS maki_fujii. Battle of the middle-aged men! See who throws his back out first!

I'd be hesitant to let acchan do any wrestling. I mean, he's got the Takasaki Mafia on his side. It would be a little uneven.

Aren't the Takasaki Mafia basically a joke?

Aren't we?

.....

Um, in other news, orenji_ryo is getting married to shizumispaz, and everyone continues to not care.

.......

Also, what's up with these guys trying to pick up chicks? Who are they trying to fool?

..............

B-Ko, you're supposed to come in with your witty retort! We worked on this!

I'm not speaking to you.

Why?

You said we're a joke. Well I have news for you A-Ko. We're not a joke, not to me.

What's going on, B-Ko? Everyone knows you're the slightly more malevolent one! You're freaking me out!

I have feelings too, you know! My whole life isn't just about making fun of gay men who act like 14-year-old girls who smoke cigarette butts and drink wine coolers! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to write a post in incoherent font and weird colors, and mark it private so you can't read it!

Wait, B-Ko! WAIT!

You had your chance with me!

Damn it, B-Ko! I WISH I COULD QUIT YOU.
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Oh my! Guess what I saw a few weeks ago? I saw Ai Kago in a restaurant... SMOKING. My goodness, such a filthy habit for such a little girl! Is she even allowed legally to place a cigarette to her formerly innocent lips and inhale? I think not! I was so shocked and appalled that I covertly snuck a photograph of her doing the deed so that I could confirm it again and again later on! But you know, I just wasn't convinced that such a sweet, innocent little songstress could be doing such a dirty, illegal thing, that I needed someone else to confirm that what I saw was true! So I sold the picture to Friday magazine, I did! Now the whole nation will get to help me decide if she was really doing something filthy that she oughtn't have tomorrow!
Current Mood:
shocked shocked
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